hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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