So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
