I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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