I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
