dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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