What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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