So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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