Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
