M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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