she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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