Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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