if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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