Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
