Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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