Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
