I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He passed out mid-signature
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
