How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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