someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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