Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I checked into jail on foursquare
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
