you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
