hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My liver just broke up with me...
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You're like the curious george of whores
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
