My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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