i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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