Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize