Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
