just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
