If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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