everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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