Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
