omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I will pee on everything he values.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
