Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
