Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
