the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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