Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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