my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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