You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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