so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
