i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Semen is not good for contacts.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
