I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
