I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Pants are for mortals
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
