I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
