So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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