I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
