I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
