You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
