My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
