Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
