never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
