Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
