well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
