He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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