It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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