So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
