Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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