You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
