I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
The beer is more important than you right now.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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