dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just threw up on my dentist
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
