why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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