my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
