I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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