I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
