Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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