Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
