The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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