Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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