fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
