I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
